My body starts to tremble, sweat and stiffen. Pupils dilate and dizziness overtakes.
A response of fight or flight comes up, but instead I freeze. I just sit and stare.
The mind knows there is no danger, yet the body is in panic mode. I feel lonely and am in need of support.
Silently I reach out.
Is there someone to pick me up? To hold me? Can someone make me feel safe again?
I want to scream, but no sound comes out. I resist what is happening and an urge to control this arises. Through frustrated thoughts, I take deep breaths and try to ground feet that only want to run away.
But I can’t run.
I stay. Paralyzed and drowning. I wait until it passes.
My silent cry remains unheard.
I don’t know how to voice my needs, my limits, my anger. The overwhelming storm wipes me out. I want to lie down, curl up and go to sleep.
I felt it then and I feel it now. I try to find a calming scene, as a way out of my inner storm.
Once light finds it way back in and the ground stabilizes, the feeling of safety returns. The process has progressed and I feel stronger.
A small residue of insecurity and fear of the fear however always seems to stay.